I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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