My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
