Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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