i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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