Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
