My cat gives me a boner
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
