If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
