Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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