She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
