woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
