You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
