i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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