Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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