Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
