I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
