If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
