Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All I want is dick and wine.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
