The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize