I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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