Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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