He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
