What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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