I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
