sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
