Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
