I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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