I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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