i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
