1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
