Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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