Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
