Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I want her autograph on my taint
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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