When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
