Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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