I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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