fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
