is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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