No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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