I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
