You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
