i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
