That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize