gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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