I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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