If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
