I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
