Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Farmville is her only friend.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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