i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
