Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
