Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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