Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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