I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
