why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have aggressive nipples.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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