____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
