If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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