Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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