He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
